Police in Salisbury were on Red Alert today as a man with DARK SKIN was spotted “Walking” with “his phone in his hand”, wearing “a hooded sweatshirt.” Causing much anxiety for the native population. The man was said to be around 6ft 2, with a large menacing scowl and dark olive skin, that one onlooker described as “darker than Greek”.

A witness, who wished to remain anonymous explained, “He was definitely up to something. He had one of them Afro thingys. I reckon he was probably in a gang.”

Another bystander commented, “I knew he wasn’t from round here. Darkest bloke I know round here is my barber from Turkey. He’s alright really cos he sorts out my barnet. I was bald before. But yeah, this other bloke, cor. Bet he’s from one of them foreign continents. Or worse, Birmingham.”

I saw a mother with her two small children, visibly distressed. “We leave our milk unlocked on the front step. Our 12 year old daughter, Alstroemeria sometimes walks our budgerigar Hamlet, alone at night. All of that will have to change.”

A earlier statement from the Police urged people to keep away from this individual, who could be linked to one of the many shady World Food Shops that operate locally.

Later, Police reassured locals, after questioning the man. “Although we were initially worried that Salisbury was being invaded by immigrants, we are now relieved to confirm that this gentleman was a normal white person, who just so happens to be home from a long holiday in Magaluf. We are happy the man’s skin colour was purely down to an unfortunate nap during a beachside tanning session, and that he is definitely not an ethnic.”

By Kevin Opinion

Tom Bromley, Head Stud Reporter for the Salisbury Gerbil lashed out at MP John Glum this week, as the bowl-cut office-bearer backtracked on his promise to not take up a second job.

In an article reminiscent of actual journalism, Bromley pushed the boat out by speaking his mind. A trait long lost in local media.

       Mr Bromley, therefore, by merely questioning Glum seems to be the only legitimate writer on the team. Most of the other gerbilists are too busy prompting ChatGPT to have an opinion.

The article in question 'Salisbury MP is undertaking a secondary job. Is this a concern?' Published on the Salisbury Gerbil website on Thursday 12th is unfortunately mis-titled. A more appropriate headline would’ve been “John Glum supports wealth redistribution, but only under his terms.”

Yes indeed, it seems Mr Glums new job doing vague posh person things is now being justified by a show of Labour-loving, left wing economic reevaluation.

Comrade Glum shocked us all as he pledged his salary to the proletariat. Working a 70 hour week just to dish out his dollar doesn’t sound like Glum’s idea of a healthy economic situation, but he’s willing to try it. Glum is actually quite keen to try anything but being a decent politician, as long as it doesn’t involve gay stuff.    

It seems the Homepride hairdo isn’t doing much for Glum’s brain, as he accidentally became a leftie Socialist, just to save his own greasy skin. Since Mr Glum is in such a giving mood could he perhaps do our paper round for free this week? Just as a favour?  I’m sure he has nothing better to do.

Sir Bromley has impressed the Gazette editorial team simply by asking questions preemptively, and then remembering the answer. We know he is chained down by the shackles of the real news media, that is why he was so desperate for a peer:

It’s no coincidence that shortly after the first publication of The Gazette, a job within the Salisbury Gerbil swiftly opened up. This was Bromley’s influence. He near enough demanded the entire editorial team of The Gazette was hired on the spot. However, we took one look at the words “Ai Assisted Reporter” and projectile vomited all over each other, just to make a point.

       Besides we only learnt what an inverted pyramid was last week. Too bad Tom, but if you ever need to get something off your chest. Any stories the evil Newsquest overlords just won’t allow. You will be welcome here with total anonimity. Anonimety. Anonymoty….

Larkhill resident flytips BBQ in Salisbury, leaving locals sizzling with anger. But a new revelation comes to light which could take some heat out of the grill…

Salisbury residents were left furious last week as the remains of a BBQ was found, apparently dumped, in Churchfields industrial estate. The man in question, Bruce “Shrimpy” Brown, originally of Grilladoompa, Australia, chucked it out of his Ute on the way to the Bottle-O for some grog, and was handed a fixed penalty notice of £1,000 for his troubles.

However it now seems Mr. Brown’s motives weren’t purely selfish, but in fact a protest against the Simpler Recycling legislation, set to come into force at the end of March.

In an interview with the News & Gazette, Shrimpy said this:

“Yeah nah mate I’m actually a top bloke. I’m not one of those fly tippers, those fellas are cooked. Yeah nah but the thing is, I can’t stand all this bloody recycling. If I waited another couple months to sort it, I’d have to smash it up into a whole heap of stuff to recycle it. Thats like tons of work when I could be having brewskis with the boys, yanawattameen…”

To translate this for our readers, what Mr Brown is concerned about is the disassembly and sorting of the BBQ in to its constituent parts.

“Yeah like nah but I get it and that. Like that bit is metal and that bit is plastic, but what about the bits of sausage that got stuck to the bars? What about the greasy spatula? Am I chucking it in the food waste, or the general? So I thought stuff them, if they want it done better do it themselves. Theres enough bins already mate. We don’t need one for every element.”

When asked if he felt his one man protest in fact harmed his community, Mr Brown stated “Geez you pommies bloody whinge mate.”

We will watch as this story develops…

A talk on The History of Underwear comes to Salisbury this week, with a very special guest…

by Victoria Splint

Doctor Shaun Cole will be visiting St Francis Church, Salisbury on February 18th for a talk about The History of Men’s Underwear. But he won’t be alone. To assist with the talk is the newly unemployed, mononymous ex-peer, Mandelson!

In a recently released photoshoot, Mandelson, known as Petey to his best pals, was seen stood next to a woman, who is definitely not called Meghan, (shome mishtake, surely?) in his underwear. This may have caused an unfortunate stir in the political community, but oh Lord were the major fashion houses watching.

Mr Mandelson has been flushed with calls, letters, and a whole heap of emails attempting to swoon him to a life of high society fashion, with Dior, Versace, and Fruit of the Loom all in a swarm for his signature. The draw for these brands? You may think it is his high profile connections, or insider knowledge of global economics, but no. It is in fact his beautifully toned and shaved legs.

Living on just guacamole dip, an occasional apple, and raw lies, Mandelson keeps fit by dancing, playing with his border collie Jock, and running rings around Kier Starmer’s head. A journey he has admitted takes a very long time due to the sheer circumference. No wonder his thighs are so tight and his calves bulge so beautifully.

His strict regime doesn’t stop there, however. Mandelson is known to be a fan of heavy lifting, with his personal record a €500 billion tipoff, deadlifted perfectly into a paedophiles inbox.

His grooming is impeccable too, with Panamanian Pore Patches naturally exfoliating his skin, washing away any traces of accountability. Steering clear of tap water, Mandelson prefers to drink straight Liquid Assets, bottled from a spring in the gardens of the Rio apartment he forgot he owned.

Mandelson’s flaw may be however, him being taken at face value. As a prominent gay man, he never dreamed that when he said he “liked them hung”, his friend Jeff would take this so literally. Similarly, his ambition to live off the British taxpayer is being taken very seriously. A grey box room with aluminium plumbing, in the heart of central London, is said to be set aside specifically for him. Naturally, at a fiscal cost.

Ever since his Chief Life Advisor suddenly and suspiciously passed away, Mandleson has had a hard time keeping a job. Yet this new move into modelling seems a strong choice from a man who obviously has full knowledge of his assets, and how to use them. So let’s hope this new pathway treats him better. And who knows? One day he could be as recognisable for his legs as he is for his Prima Facie.

by Ophelia Haggarty

As dawn broke on our city today, witnesses looked on in horror as a large dinghy carrying up to 45 migrants paddled its way into Queen Elizabeth Gardens.

The migrant boat was full of young men, who in their desperation for a better life, rowed here through the dead of night. But their plans were left in puddles, as Police pulled out their “popping stick”, a broom handle with a darning needle tied to the end, to take the air out of the migrants sails and capture the invading aliens.

We answer the big questions surrounding Salisbury’s new illegal migration issue:

Where were they spotted?

The migrants were first spotted ducking through the narrow tunnel that runs under Fisherton Street Bridge. They were then pursued by cycling Police officers. In true Lance-Corporal Jones style the officers put truth to the old saying, “they don’t like it up em”.

This is all thanks to newbie recruit PC Pike, who had the perfect tool on hand. Armed only with a broomstick with a needle attached to the end, the crafty tool being carried by PC Pike as he awaits his Police Issue Truncheon.

Where are they from?

At first, fears were these men were from Afghanistan, or worse, France, but it seems the answer lies closer to home.

Rather these desperate migrants were from the failing war torn town of Ringwood, who for years have been locked in an intense conflict with the United Front of Verwood and Fordingbridge.

Their journey took them straight through enemy lines, as they escaped the brutal realities of Hampshire, to the neutral county of Wiltshire and into our city.

What do they want?

A state-provided car, free money and accomodation, and the opportunity to open a vague consulting business. People from Hampshire have simple goals and aspirations.

The migrants will now be given cookie-cutter new build houses with all white furniture. Each will receive an Audi TT, a Labrador called Max, and a personality deficient Girlfriend to cook them their preferred frozen meal every night.

Can we send them back?

It is currently against Human Rights to send migrants to Hampshire, due to the issues in the region. We can however send the ugly ones to Rwanda.

Follow us for more updates on this ongoing story…

Are you scared about the new Salisbury migrant crisis? Have something to say about it? Email editor@salisbury-news.co.uk.

by Gerald Dust

Walking through Elizabeth Gardens, Culver Street Car Park, and Greencroft Park, you can smell a familiar whiff. Usually emanating from groups of hooded teenagers, the favourite pastime of Bob Marley, Bill Clinton, and Snoop Doggy-Dogg, has a strong following in Salisbury.

From budget cheese to the stickiest Maui-Waui, our streets are no stranger to the odd spliff or two. Now the council looks to share the love, embracing the city’s stoned complexion, and turning potential policing to public profit.

Red eyed revellers will be enthralled, with three Salisbury Cafes selected to trial the new scheme, which turns Salisbury into one of the top cannabis tourism destinations in Europe.

Local eateries The Fuzzy Chakra, Hazy Ed’s Tea Room, and General Fishy’s Reggae-Reggae Chip Shop have all been given the green light to sell the so called “Devil’s Lettuce”.

Under the new scheme, customers will be permitted to buy up to 1/2 oz of Marijuana to consume in store or at home, with pre-rolled joints and communal bongs available for the more casual user.

All this brings big expansion opportunities for Salisbury. As the scheme was revealed, planning applications were submitted in hoards for new fast food takeaways, tobacconists, and even a bean-bag cinema showing Cannabis-Culture favourites.

Council leaders promised increased tourism as a result, yet some residents are worried about increased cleaning costs. Snack wrapper litter, wacky baccy dog ends, and the dread “whitey” sick-up, all potential risk points.

Questions too were asked by the SADD (Salisbury Association of Drug Dealers), citing lost jobs, unfair competition, as well as an ongoing Police protection contract that could be invalidated.

Will it all be “Too Much Pressure” for our Tory echo chamber? Or can the council keep “Cool and Calm” as Salisbury becomes Britian’s answer to Amsterdam.

As Communist sentiment bubbles over in Eastern Salisbury, the people take matters in to their own hands to partition the divided city.

The Wyndham Road Footbridge seemed innocuous at first glance, but last night became the centre of a Communist coup that could see Salisbury split in to two sections.

Eastern Salisbury suburbs Laverstock, Bishopdown, and Petersfinger began the uprising last week, creating an informal militia that successfully regained the means of production from Laverstock Community Farm. The Farm, now in the control of the Proletariat, will be used as a political hub for the self-proclaimed “ESSR”, or Eastern Salisbury Socialist Republic.

All this led to the acts of last night, with flocks of Socialist sympathisers aiding party members, as the old hammer and sickle, or rather, chisel was dusted off to fell the brutalist footbridge. As the rubble rained down, onlookers cheered, with the political buffer zone from Churchill Way North to Salisbury Cemetery seemingly set in stone.

By this morning, Helicopters buzzed overhead, with a temporary barrier being planned for Castle Roundabout in the upcoming weeks… Updates to follow.

Do you have a story about the latest Communist Coup? Any insider knowledge that you can share? Email editor@salisbury-news.co.uk now!

Sometimes I wonder, what really happens inside the Guildhall? The interior of which is hardly a Salisbury Hotspot. But that is all set to change, as plans are approved to turn it in to Charlie’s Karaoke Palace.

Owner of Charlie’s Store, Charlie’s Cafe, and Charlie’s Fish & Chips, Kiwi businessman Arlotta Shups hopes to breathe a new life into the aging landmark, installing 24 private Karaoke booths, a jelly wrestling arena, plus a fully stocked bar with cocktail pitchers, champagne, and yards of ale just some of the many boozy treats on offer.

A considered buffet of freezer favourites and 70s party foods will keep the party going, with a complimentary Cheese and Pineapple Hedgehog with every booking.

Prospective Sonny and Cher’s will be free to sing the night away in brand new luxury booths, which feature USB charging ports, disco lights, and faux leather vinyl upholstery. 5k HD TV screens will render your favourite lyrics in retina-bursting clarity, with Bose bass-boosting speakers installed to evaporate your eardrums.

And the best bit? A weekly Jelly Wrestling Tournament. With members of the Sarum Pom-Poms Cheerleading Troupe taking on the Salisbury Sumo Association in an a match that has been preemptively touted as the “Fight of the Century”.

The Guildhall is just another piece of valuable real estate in the control of Mr. Shups, a New Zelander by birth, who emigrated in 1987. Public records show further expansion is underway, however, with applications for at least 5 more businesses in the pipeline, including a Wimpy Burger destined for the Cathedral Close. Though it’s unclear where it would fit.

If there’s one thing we can be sure about, though, it is that Arlotta Schups will be singing - and dancing - all the way to the bank.

“Like a mixture of Tom Waits and Swedish Proto-Metal”

The Bishop of Salisbury has today announced plans to use Autotune for all future choral performances, after complaints from the congregation.

As Worshippers writhed and cringed through an unfortunate rendition of “The Lord’s My Shepherd” last Sunday, plans were already in place to provide electronic assistance to the current Cathedral Choir.

Spectators described the performance as sounding like “a mixture of Tom Waits and Swedish Proto-Metal”.

First aiders attended to one unlucky Church-goer, who complained of sore ears, migraine, and disorientation.

Used by artists such as Justin Bieber, Kanye West, and Cher, Autotune has become a popular way for the talentless to find success. Allowing even the most gravelly voice to sound like a heavenly angel.

History tells up this isn’t the first time Church officials have attempted to interfere with their Choristers, though. Up until 1963, Salisbury Cathedral still used the archaic “Ecclesiastical Clamp”, a device designed to help developing boys hit their high notes.

If sore ears, or even “clamping” are the alternatives, we’ll take Autotune any day!

We are all used to the sight of tourists in our beautiful city, and are well aware of the financial benefits they bring. Bus tours, cafes, taxis and restaurants are a few of the many businesses that profit from Salisburys booming tourism industry.

However the Council have found a new, exciting way of generating profits from these visitors. Plans have been approved this week that give the city powers to kidnap and ransom high profile tourists in order to generate some extra cash flow.

Though the exact criteria for potential hostages hasn’t yet been made public, our Resident Expert B.J. Marsters offers his view;

“Most tourists will be placed in a Category B or C for a low value person. A small minority will make a top category and become eligible for kidnap.”

It is estimated a Category A Tourist could be worth up to £9,000,000 when sold back to their own family.

Kidnapped tourists can expect to end up in a place like this, where the bed is lumpy and the toilet has no seat. Still beats certain Salisbury hotels...

“Similar schemes have taken place in London” states B.J. Marsters. “If Salisbury is serious about becoming a modern city we have to take these steps.”

All this comes as the council clears out it’s bank account to purchase a Trowbridge Car Park for £2.5m. The failing structure has apparently been haunted since 1974, after the residing council sold it to the Devil for a bag of chocolate buttons and a new Rolling Stones record.

Please share your view about this topic for a chance to be featured in a future article!

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Armed with only a Newton meter, a crocodile clip, and a pack of kettle bells, a group of budding Einsteins from Whiteparish have taken on the daunting task of databasing skin sag in the local area.

A team of young people from the local college aim to find the saggiest local mothers to probe and prod, in order to finally determine which South Wiltshire town houses the droopiest dames.

Mums from Salisbury, Downton, Tisbury and Mere were accepted in to the study.

The online brief was very clear:

Only the most pendulous flaps will be considered.

Yet mothers came out in their force to aid these school-kid scientists, with over 300 participants measured.

The largest individual flap turned out to be an eye-watering 1ft 2 inches from fold to crevice.

Salisbury mothers, on average, have more under the hood than most. With the average Stretched Stomach Roll (SSR) reading a whopping 0.89ft, compared to the South Wilts average at 0.62ft. Thigh and jowl measurements followed a similar pattern.

Next up for these baby-faced boffins: find Swindon’s Flabbiest Dad. We’ll keep you up to date with the result.