City to RANSOM High-Profile Tourists as Bank Balances Empty

£2.5m Carpark? Not enough cash says the Council, as plans are cleared for some post-Covid profiteering.

by Victoria Splint

We are all used to the sight of tourists in our beautiful city, and are well aware of the financial benefits they bring. Bus tours, cafes, taxis and restaurants are a few of the many businesses that profit from Salisburys booming tourism industry.

However the Council have found a new, exciting way of generating profits from these visitors. Plans have been approved this week that give the city powers to kidnap and ransom high profile tourists in order to generate some extra cash flow.

Though the exact criteria for potential hostages hasn’t yet been made public, our Resident Expert B.J. Marsters offers his view;

“Most tourists will be placed in a Category B or C for a low value person. A small minority will make a top category and become eligible for kidnap.”

It is estimated a Category A Tourist could be worth up to £9,000,000 when sold back to their own family.

Kidnapped tourists can expect to end up in a place like this, where the bed is lumpy and the toilet has no seat. Still beats certain Salisbury hotels...

“Similar schemes have taken place in London” states B.J. Marsters. “If Salisbury is serious about becoming a modern city we have to take these steps.”

All this comes as the council clears out it’s bank account to purchase a Trowbridge Car Park for £2.5m. The failing structure has apparently been haunted since 1974, after the residing council sold it to the Devil for a bag of chocolate buttons and a new Rolling Stones record.

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