Mandelson: The History of Underwear comes to Salisbury!
A talk on The History of Underwear comes to Salisbury this week, with a very special guest…
by Victoria Splint
Doctor Shaun Cole will be visiting St Francis Church, Salisbury on February 18th for a talk about The History of Men’s Underwear. But he won’t be alone. To assist with the talk is the newly unemployed, mononymous ex-peer, Mandelson!
In a recently released photoshoot, Mandelson, known as Petey to his best pals, was seen stood next to a woman, who is definitely not called Meghan, (shome mishtake, surely?) in his underwear. This may have caused an unfortunate stir in the political community, but oh Lord were the major fashion houses watching.
Mr Mandelson has been flushed with calls, letters, and a whole heap of emails attempting to swoon him to a life of high society fashion, with Dior, Versace, and Fruit of the Loom all in a swarm for his signature. The draw for these brands? You may think it is his high profile connections, or insider knowledge of global economics, but no. It is in fact his beautifully toned and shaved legs.
Living on just guacamole dip, an occasional apple, and raw lies, Mandelson keeps fit by dancing, playing with his border collie Jock, and running rings around Kier Starmer’s head. A journey he has admitted takes a very long time due to the sheer circumference. No wonder his thighs are so tight and his calves bulge so beautifully.
His strict regime doesn’t stop there, however. Mandelson is known to be a fan of heavy lifting, with his personal record a €500 billion tipoff, deadlifted perfectly into a paedophiles inbox.
His grooming is impeccable too, with Panamanian Pore Patches naturally exfoliating his skin, washing away any traces of accountability. Steering clear of tap water, Mandelson prefers to drink straight Liquid Assets, bottled from a spring in the gardens of the Rio apartment he forgot he owned.
Mandelson’s flaw may be however, him being taken at face value. As a prominent gay man, he never dreamed that when he said he “liked them hung”, his friend Jeff would take this so literally. Similarly, his ambition to live off the British taxpayer is being taken very seriously. A grey box room with aluminium plumbing, in the heart of central London, is said to be set aside specifically for him. Naturally, at a fiscal cost.
Ever since his Chief Life Advisor suddenly and suspiciously passed away, Mandleson has had a hard time keeping a job. Yet this new move into modelling seems a strong choice from a man who obviously has full knowledge of his assets, and how to use them. So let’s hope this new pathway treats him better. And who knows? One day he could be as recognisable for his legs as he is for his Prima Facie.