MIGRANT BOAT SPOTTED IN RIVER AVON
Who are they? What do they want? And do YOU accept Migrants in OUR CITY?
by Ophelia Haggarty
As dawn broke on our city today, witnesses looked on in horror as a large dinghy carrying up to 45 migrants paddled its way into Queen Elizabeth Gardens.
The migrant boat was full of young men, who in their desperation for a better life, rowed here through the dead of night. But their plans were left in puddles, as Police pulled out their “popping stick”, a broom handle with a darning needle tied to the end, to take the air out of the migrants sails and capture the invading aliens.
We answer the big questions surrounding Salisbury’s new illegal migration issue:
Where were they spotted?
The migrants were first spotted ducking through the narrow tunnel that runs under Fisherton Street Bridge. They were then pursued by cycling Police officers. In true Lance-Corporal Jones style the officers put truth to the old saying, “they don’t like it up em”.
This is all thanks to newbie recruit PC Pike, who had the perfect tool on hand. Armed only with a broomstick with a needle attached to the end, the crafty tool being carried by PC Pike as he awaits his Police Issue Truncheon.
Where are they from?
At first, fears were these men were from Afghanistan, or worse, France, but it seems the answer lies closer to home.
Rather these desperate migrants were from the failing war torn town of Ringwood, who for years have been locked in an intense conflict with the United Front of Verwood and Fordingbridge.
Their journey took them straight through enemy lines, as they escaped the brutal realities of Hampshire, to the neutral county of Wiltshire and into our city.
What do they want?
A state-provided car, free money and accomodation, and the opportunity to open a vague consulting business. People from Hampshire have simple goals and aspirations.
The migrants will now be given cookie-cutter new build houses with all white furniture. Each will receive an Audi TT, a Labrador called Max, and a personality deficient Girlfriend to cook them their preferred frozen meal every night.
Can we send them back?
It is currently against Human Rights to send migrants to Hampshire, due to the issues in the region. We can however send the ugly ones to Rwanda.
Follow us for more updates on this ongoing story…
Are you scared about the new Salisbury migrant crisis? Have something to say about it? Email editor@salisbury-news.co.uk.